What are we looking for?

Flying...

I can FLY!

I really can!

Then why am I sitting here on this fucking rock watching the clouds floating slowly over my head? Why am I sitting here on the cold cold ground asking myself again and again "So now what"?

Yes. I said FLY.

Oh, I'm not talking about flying in the physical sense in an airplane or a balloon or even buzzing around in one of those cute little ultralights. I mean FLYING with capitol letters, the kind of FLYING you read about in books, hear about in songs and see in the movies, the good ones that is.

How it started...

Not that it was easy. It took me fifteen years to learn how, and the price I paid was pretty steep, but you got to admit that once you get the hang of it there's nothing even close to the "high" you get when you FLY.

I guess it all started a few years ago when all of the sudden out the blue I started wondering if man really can FLY or if the whole thing was just a cosmic joke someone or something was playing on all us little people down here on the ground. You see, till just a little while ago I'd never done IT. Oh I'd done the usual bit of jumping about, I can jump high enough when I want to, and I've even tried some skydiving where you jump out from so high up you feel like you're floating for awhile. But the next thing you know you hit the ground usually pretty hard and when you look around you realize you're right back where you started.

Like the rest of mankind I grew up dreaming of FLYING. I'd read the stories about those few who managed to touch the clouds and heard the songs about being above and beyond it all and like everyone else watched and cried when the stars kissed. That's when I learned it takes two to FLY. There's no "do it yourself" kit you can buy at the corner supermarket that will get you up there.

The decision was made at about the same age as all the rest of the kids and the search for a FLYING partner got under way. It began with a few small hops here and a couple of small bounces there with several different partners but didn't get very far off the ground. Not that it was unpleasant, in fact it was a lot of fun in the beginning and till this day I can still remember the feeling of jumping up as high as I could and staying up as long as possible and coming down feeling like I'd just invented electricity or discovered a new planet. I was a kid then. But even then I knew I wanted more. I thought that if only I could find the right partner I would be able to soar to the top of the world. So I went out searching hoping to find the FLYING partner of my dreams. It happened quickly, perhaps too quickly. I soon found the perfect match and right from the start we tried to FLY.

You see, we where young and enthusiastic and we where sure that " all you need is . . . "

The first year was hard, very hard, and but then we were told that even with the best of partners FLYING is very difficult and takes years of patience and practice and just plain hard work.

So we tried and we worked and frankly didn't do to bad in the beginning. We managed to get up there next to the clouds a few times and there were a few occasions when we even stayed up for a stretch but no matter how hard we tried we just couldn't reach that level where we didn't have to come down. Well that's how I spent the next few years, doing my best but not really getting there, frustrated and confused.

Then...

The wondering started and the questions too. "Can anyone really FLY or is it all some Grimm fairy tale"? Or maybe I just made a mistake all those years ago when I chose the second half of the FLYING team, or maybe I just wasn't capable enough. I wasn't sure but after racking my little brain for awhile and in the meantime hurting some of the people I need most I decided that the partner compatibility was probably the problem, not that my current partner was in any way inferior, it's just that as a team we had a problem when it came to FLYING.

It turns out that finding a decent FLYING partner isn't as easy as one might suppose. First, my lawful partner wasn't about to let me go jumping around with any body else. Besides, legal partnerships are pretty hard to break for a whole lot of complicated reasons. Second, I wasn't so sure anybody would want to go FLYING with me anyhow but I was willing to try if and/or when I found anybody willing to try me out, I wasn't going to say no any more.

Well, the first one willing to try was interesting but as it turned out she was seriously tied to the ground. I mean she really wanted to, but couldn't if you tied her to the USS Enterprise and told Mr. Solo to push her into Warp 5.

So I was still looking around when IT happened. Wow! Like in all the good movies, like in the poems and the songs, like in the dreams, we took off like a rocket out of hell and before I realized it we were way up in the clouds looking down at all the little people like in some Peter Pan ride in a real life Disneyland. All that bullshit they sold me about it taking time and work just wasn't true. Don't ask me how it happened or why with her (you can try and I might even have some fancy answers to throw at you) don't even ask why it was so fast, I really don't know, it just happened. Finally after so many years of waiting I found myself FLYING and FLOATING and SWIMMING in the clouds... at last.

OK I admit, there were a few bumps in the beginning, a few technical and compatibility problems and what can I say- the hardware wasn't always as hard as expected, but with all that the FLYING was fantastic. As I always knew, there is nothing even close to the "high" you get when you FLY. So far so good but life is one great big Italian movie and like always things started breaking up as soon as the going gets good, otherwise why would anybody want to watch an Italian movie.

We started to hit some heavy turbulence from the ground. Problems with other partners, both of them, who still didn't know how to FLY yet. They were beginning to realize that something was coming down, or in our case going up and started asking questions, heavy questions. The FLYING got harder and harder especially weighted down by so much bad conscience and guilt and even the simple problems like when and where started pulling us down and apart.

And Then...

The inevitable decision was made. We landed on the excuse that FLYING is dangerous, very dangerous for your health. Especially if you're not flying legally which can lead to all different kinds of harm, physical and mental. But the real reason was the price. Even if I was willing to pay the price the problem was as the saying goes, "it takes two to ...".

We landed. Not that it was easy, oh no, and it actually took quiet awhile to get used to being grounded again. It hurts. We still talk a lot, about us, them, and everything else but not about the sky or the clouds. I still wish ...

And Now...

I guess I miss the FLYING very much, to much, and sometimes it really is hard to look up at the clouds floating slowly by with me still tied to a rock. I'm not ready to give up the dream yet, especially now. Meanwhile searching, waiting, hoping, dreaming. But I'm not sorry. Because finally... I know now what I knew all along but didn't believe:

I CAN FLY !!! I REALLY CAN !!!

Then why am I sitting here on this fucking rock watching the clouds floating slowly over my head? Why am I sitting here on the cold cold ground asking myself again and again

"So now what"?